I briefly touched in my "about" section that I am a recovering addict. To truly understand WHY and HOW I will have to start from the beginning. I know I will ALWAYS struggle somewhat with my addiction.  That does NOT mean I don't believe you can't BE SET FREE. Because I have been FREE before, it's something you must practice.  Recovery starts daily. The transforming of your mind takes place when you ALLOW the Holy Spirit to come inside of you in each moment, especially in our weakest, and take complete control over our emotions, thoughts, and words. In my experience this can ONLY be fully achieved through a constant relationship with God.   God's perfect Love casts away all FEAR. 

 

1 John 4:18 TPT "Love NEVER brings fear, for fear is always related to punishment. But love's perfection drives the fear of punishment far from our hearts.  Whoever walks constantly afraid of punishment (a) has not reached love's perfection. 

a. 1 John 4:18 The immediate context shows that it is the fear of correction, "punishment," or rejection.  The Aramaic can be translated "Fear is suspicious."

​

Now, bear with me because this may take a WHILE. We are embarking on 32 years of STRUGGLES.  I am going to warn those reading this- I will not be sugar coating or refraining from ANY of my DARK, and truly disgusting past. The purpose in revealing my past is to SHOW you how FAR I, and OTHERS CAN come.  I made it out ALIVE through the BLOOD of Jesus. That is why I felt it appropriate to call this blog "Overcomers."  Our Testimonies are our message, and God wants us to go Public with them. The only time it is difficult to go Public with our testimonies of what God has done and is doing in our lives is when WE DO NOT KNOW OUR IDENTITY IN CHRIST as His Son's and daughter's.

​

I will start with what I can remember and then go from there. I will be adding to in my blogs as well. To get to the GOOD, we have to visit the BAD... and trust me it WAS BAD. These chapters in my life are going to be the hardest to revisit. But through this if I can help others heal and find their purpose it is SO worth it! 

​

Let's begin in my elementary school years.  I was a very outgoing, personable, goofy, and entertaining child. I had a very STRONG will to do what I wanted and that got me into trouble a lot.  I got saved at a very young age, and maintained my FAITH throughout my life.  My Grandmother and Grandfather on my mom's side both had a huge hand in raising me. We did not see them as much after I left Oklahoma. We would see them at Christmas and during the summer's in Arkansas where they still live.  That distance between my grandparent's and I also played a part in my "loss of love" department. 

 

God was and has always been a constant in my life.  My earthly dad was the Pastor at our church.  I had my first encounter with The Holy Spirit at age 10.  I was at our Summer Camp with our church and I received the gift of my prayer language. During this same time at camp, I heard The Holy Spirit calling on my life to be a leader for young people. The thing is all that LOVE I had and wanted to share ended up being in the wrong ways at first. Not because I wasn't taught where and how to show love, but because I FELT there was a lacking in the receiving of love from my earthly Father. I already know what you are thinking.. " Oh another girl with "daddy" issues. Well I guess if we are labeling things, which I despise labels, yea, I have "daddy" issues.  After all I have been through, I have learned that not having a strong foundation with your earthly father is pretty crucial. The TRUTH IS ,however, OUR HEAVENLY father is ALWAYS HERE, waiting on US. And no relationship with our Heavenly Father is far more devastating not only for girls , but boys as well. With girls,  we see it more in their relationships with men. So, that being said I made a lot of mistakes in my early development. I was completely lacking self-worth, love and self-respect. I did not yet know how to rely upon The Holy Spirit to enter into HIS HOLY PRESENCE and RECEIVE the LOVE FROM JESUS I truly NEEDED. 

 

Now let's fast forward from early elementary years to middle school.  I had a few  "school boyfriends", but nothing outside of school. I was not permitted to attend ANY school dances. My parents felt it was "of the devil" to dance. They started out as Southern Baptists, and then progressed into Spirit-filled Pentecostal's. I am thankful for this decision they made. I just wish I had not missed out on things I would have liked to do.  For example, trick-or-treating. I was not completely deprived at Halloween, but I did not get to trick-or-treat in the neighborhoods. No Disney movies were allowed to be watched... it got ridiculous at times. Because of all  my "restrictions," I feel it  contributed to a rebellious spirit. I am not trying to excuse my following behaviors. I have made the mistakes and paid a high price for all of them. 

 

I really don't feel I was bad or mean spirited...just misguided in a lot of ways.  My mom did her best as she was struggling with issues with my father and that is a whole entire blog for itself.  Basically it comes down to my father had an addiction and it was not drugs or alcohol.  I believe in healthy addictions and unhealthy addictions. One way or another we are ALL addicted to something or someone.  Never realizing the BEST addiction is JESUS!  We  first moved to Georgia from Oklahoma when I was 13.  As you may have read in my "About" section, this was extremely upsetting to me. I had my whole life set up for me there.  I had made lifelong friends since kindergarten and from church since I was 3 years old. I was in  cheerleading, fast pitch softball, and had the church family I knew and loved and loved me.

​

BAM! Just like that it was all taken. Everything I ever knew was gone. I was lost.  Had I just LOOKED UP and NOT INWARD I would have been SAVED from the following life-altering choices. At first I was alright with the move to GA. I really liked the church there.  I also had the BEST church camp experience of my life.  The church took us to South Carolina. We went horseback riding through the mountains. Rode a Humvee up the mountain and went so close to the edge up on two wheels! I met so many awesome people and quickly made friends. We were only there about two months before my parents felt God leading us to Florida. They  wanted to take part in "The Brownsville Revival School of Ministry." The Brownsville Assembly of God Revival began on Father's Day of 1995. Steve Hill, who has now gone Home to Glory, was the evangelist.  If you are unfamiliar with this Revival it was an INTERNATIONALLY recognized AMAZING OUTPOURING of FIRE!  I am sure you can google it. My parents not only wanted to work through their issues personally and within the marriage, but to get on a higher level spiritually.  This is where I am now in my life. I am so HUNGRY for GOD and HIS WILL for my life. I want to FULFILL HIS PURPOSE FOR me.  So, now I can completely understand why they made the decision.

 

I was only 13 back then though,  and just starting to really like boys.  I was not really  focused on anything else.  My heart wanted to stay focused on God, but my body and my brain were changing and those  hormones were kicking in.  That once sweet, angelic girl was maturing into a strong-willed, rebellious teenager.  I was losing my temper more and more.  I lived off my emotions.  I would get them involved in every situation I was in. Anger, Pain, Bitterness and Resentment would ALL flare up. I allowed hurt and fear to rule my life.  I was abandoning my Faith at those times. I forgot who MY FATHER in HEAVEN was. Those are the times I needed to turn to HIM the MOST. I just was not skilled in doing so at that time.  That lack of earthly Fatherly Love and guidance was crucial during this time... if I had only realized. We don't NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING BUT JESUS!

 

In July of 1999 we found ourselves living in a rent-by-the-week hotel called The Villager Lodge in Pensacola, FL.  We shortly thereafter relocated to the  Homestead Lodge in Pensacola, FL. while my dad found work. Home was a two-room hotel room. My little brother, J is 5.5 years younger than I am.  So , we both had to adjust to all of this.  Our parents enrolled us into school in Pace, FL.  We soon moved into a modest rental home in a neighborhood called "Autumn Run."  Now, this house has a MAJOR role in the craziness you are about to read. In my opinion anyways.  After a few months in this house, I started seeing a 7ft tall black hooded figure in my closet. My brother and his friend heard a creepy voice saying "RUN, RUN, RUN.." repeatedly then my parents bedroom door slammed shut. The crazy part, is that out of the 3 to 4 separate times my mom and dad came into my room. They would find me screaming and rocking crouched down across the room from the closet telling them about the demonic figure I kept seeing. I do NOT recall ANY of those times they found me. You'd think if you were screaming to the top of your lungs .. you'd remember. But, I don't.  All I remember is seeing it, then that is all. So I wonder ... what happened?  I was later told by some neighborhood kids, the kids who lived there previously were practicing Witchcraft in the house. I believe it.

 

About a year after we were in Pace, I had established a really good friendship with a girl named B. We were in every sense of the saying "thick as thieves." We did everything together, sleepovers, her parents took me to the fair and we shared secrets and  clothes. I borrowed hers because her clothes were much nicer. She lived in the fancy neighborhood Stonebrook.  It was right next to Autumn Run and there was a quick way through a yard around the back of our neighborhood to hers. She had a crush named W.  He drove a little Toyota truck and my mom loved to drive it It reminded her of my grandpa's standard.  One night my mom took all of us around B's neighborhood in said truck. Us girls were in the back of the truck and W was sitting by her under the blanket. Well, I ended up ratting them out for inappropriate behavior.  That is something I honestly regret. After that, things drastically changed between us.  We were still friends, but the relationship was doomed from that moment. Being the "new girl" in a town that was six times the size of the one I came from (Dewey pop. 3,179 -Pace  pop. 20,039) was HARD AS HELL. I was never able to recover from the move here. The curriculum they used in Pace was very different from the curriculum in Dewey. I went from an A& B student to C's, D's & F's. Sports was not an option because of my grades.  I basically hated my life.  I started to really  self-destruct from this point on in 8th grade. My parent's relationship was NOT getting any better either.  I started 9th grade, and B got even more distant at this point. She had her own clique of girl friends where I was an outcast. So, I became a "loner."  I sat by myself and befriended anyone and everyone. I was SO Desperate for the LOVE and attention I wasn't receiving at home I searched everywhere around me. Then there was D1.  The 18-year-old "bad boy," who lived right across the street from me. He had been in trouble a lot since he moved to FL from Kentucky  with his mom and step-dad. They went to our church so I spent a lot of time getting to know him.  I made a really bad decision that year when I decided to go over there one night. He was on house arrest, and I was lonely and bored.   I saw him smoking a joint out his bedroom window. I was not prepared for the choice I was given. I said , "NO!" I had taken a vow to save myself for marriage and I really wanted to keep that vow.  The devil is a liar and thief. After I made it over there, we talked for a little bit.  Then somehow the question was asked. That question you pray you will NEVER be faced with before you are READY to make that decision.. it happened. If I had just stayed HOME I wouldn't have had to deal with this . I was SO MAD, and am still mad I did not just stay HOME. The damage was done though.  I remember him saying "Well, you gotta do it sometime." In reference to me losing my PRECIOUS virginity. No.. I did NOT have to do ANYTHING I DID NOT WANT TO.  But , I am a "people pleasing  pacifist."  Which has always trumpet my strong will.  Because of this I can't really blame anyone for MY mistakes and take complete responsibility for going over there and putting myself in that situation.

 

That following year the next traumatic thing happened to me. I was 15 and we had moved to a new home which my parents bought together about 6 months before they divorced. One day after church out of pure curiosity ,with a girl from our church, we took some pictures of each other naked in the shower. I put my pictures on a disc and brought them home. I honestly forgot about them.  One day a close guy friend who was JUST a friend came over.  He found the disc in my room and  stole it.  He then decided to make copies and SELL those copies.  Copies of my nude 15-year-old  body to all of his friends that went to another High School in the same COUNTY.  I know I said earlier that Pace was six times bigger than Dewey , but Pace/Milton is still pretty small.  Especially when a SCANDAL goes down. Olivia Pope was nowhere to be found.  It me against the sharks. So, it did not take long before I was sent a copy of my photos.  They were now on a website made by HS Web design students.  The Cops were called, and that was embarrassing having to print them out into 8X10 sizes to give to Major Investigations Crime Unit. It really hurt that  my supposed FRIEND would do that to me.  He had NO regard for how much that act of cruelty would effect me. It sparked a huge rumor mill and I ended up with endless amounts of UNWANTED male attention, and embarrassment. Students at my school ASSUMED I put those pictures on that website, and that  I was sending them around. ON THE CONTRARY I was trying to find who did and STOP them. I was 15-years-old! That was NOT OK. No one but me and my GIRL-FRIEND were supposed to see those.  The older girls at school would make comments, the guys thought I was asking for it all the time and disrespected me SO BADLY. It got SO bad that they stopped allowing us to have pep rallies. They were ended after the  upperclassmen girls started throwing carrots at me and made signs mocking me. "Bekah is a whore" could be found all over the school.  The carrots were thrown because of one of many OUTLANDISH, and INSANE rumors that were started about me. I mean really, the rumors got so bad I started to completely crumble. People believed all of these LIES about me. No one CARED ABOUT the TRUTH. If it was entertaining, they ran with it. My reputation was ruined in Pace. 

 

My mom was a deaf interpreter for the school systems, and finally got a job at my school. I remember the first day she came to Pace, I had smoked some weed with a friend named JB. He was a really sweet guy. He unfortunately is no longer alive. He had moved away our freshman or sophomore year and I reconnected with him via FB in 2011.   A lot of why I am opening up about my past is because of all of the friends I have lost from either Drug Overdoses ,Suicide, and or  due to untreated Mental Illness.

So, my mom was working at the school and I was able to go to her when I was hurting.   After she went to another job, I was alone again and often left school during the day crying. I remember on a weekly basis leaving out by the ROTC building crying my eyes out from all of the pain I was enduring at the hands of my peers.  I would talk to the counselors, deans, and principal.  They all said that high school isn't the rest of our lives and they were doing it out of jealousy.  So my HS career was LITERAL HELL.  I am surprised I graduated, and lived through to tell my story.   

I was involved in a high-speed car accident that same year. If I had not moved to the back seat , we probably would not have  gotten into the accident at all. I was out drinking with some guy friends. I tried to have and wanted to girlfriends to hang out with. They either despised me or they all treated me like I was competition. I often wished I was ugly so then I would have friends. Sad, but true. The night of the car accident I went out into the country with these guy friends. After chugging several beers on the way out to a small country town, we drank even MORE  at an older guy's house.   Several hours passed and  around 1-2am we headed to the campgrounds in Munson.  We were headed to one of the guy's grandma's houses or a cabin. I wasn't sure why because we were all so wasted. On our way there or back I am not really sure, I climbed in the back seat to lay down because I was highly intoxicated. The driver, got mad because his friend, T1, was in the back seat. He started speeding around these curves at 100+mph. He lost control of the car and we slammed into a large oak tree. PRAISE GOD we all lived! None of us  were injured more than some scrapes, bruises, concussions, and I have had minor but manageable neck pain ever  since then. I only had a minor abrasion on my right cheek where my head slammed into the door and glass may have cut it when it broke out of the window. T1  protected me when we wrecked by shielding me with his body before impact.   But, had I stayed in that front seat when we wrecked I would have been paralyzed or worse. The engine ended up in the floor board up to the passenger seat. God was definitely merciful that day. 

 

I got my first job as soon as it was legal for me to work.  I got a job at the local tanning salon and met a lot of amazing people while I worked there.  I prided myself in remembering all their names when they would come in.  I loved working and still do. After the car accident my parents divorced. Before that divorce,  the day after the car accident, I wanted to go eat dinner with T and his family. The Doctor the night before said I had a concussion and to expect irrational behavior. When I asked my dad if I could go eat dinner with the friend I felt I owed my life to said "NO!" I flipped out and threw a butter knife in his direction. He then tackled me to the ground and I spit in his face and said some really nasty stuff . He popped me in the face and that night I began my time in DJJ. The cop that arrested me was so nasty.  He said "If you had been my daughter I would have pulled my gun on you!"  I was glad I was NOT his daughter, such a jerk.  I was locked up for 2 weeks then released on house arrest. I got really bitter and resentful during this time and ran away with my then boyfriend D2.  He was bad news. He cheated on me while I was living with him and I will never forget that pain. I ended up back at home because I went to the mall and a friend saw me and contacted my parents.  After all that happened... and I broke up with D2, my parents divorced. I knew that it was coming and my mom had not been happy for many ,many years.  She mad the best  of the 19 years of marriage. Therefore, it has not had as much of an impact on  me like it has my little brother. 

​

I experienced a lot of heart break in high school. I had 3 serious boyfriend's. D2,D3, &C1. I either broke up with them  or got dumped.  My Senior year is when I started using cocaine. I had maintained a job all throughout high school at the tanning salon then I waited tables at Village Inn. Because of my drug use, I quit the waitressing job &  I lost about 30 lbs. I am 5'4" and got down to about 100lbs. I have always had a voluptuous derrière.  The day I noticed it was GONE -I stopped using cocaine as much. I was using it literally every single day. My boyfriend during this time ,C1, was my most INTENSE relationship in high school. He knew how to get to me. I found out after we started dating that he was using a mutual friend's AOL account to talk to me because he had seen THE PHOTOS.  This relationship started out as a friendship and deepened when my 2nd boyfriend D3 broke up with me. I kissed him that night in his garage. I had taken my first hit of Ecstasy that year with D3.  I am not gonna lie it was the most amazing feeling ever, until I came down from it.  It's funny how things end up.  C1  was really good to me at first.  Then during a game of "I've never", he revealed to me and all of our mutual friends he slept with my then acquaintance O. March of 2003,  I went to Europe for my Senior trip.  It was a gift  from  my wonderful 2nd cousins whom I look to as second parents. We went to London and Paris.  When I got back from Europe the relationship with C1 got stronger.  While I was in Paris I was able to get online. I was confused at first  saw that all of our mutual friends' was posting "R.I.P. Chad." One of our mutual friends, Chad was just 19 years old when he tragically died in a car accident. Chad was a HUGE inspiration to everyone he met. He had the biggest , brightest smile. After D3 broke up with me, he told me that if he didn't want to be with me , it was D3's loss.  One night at a party I was drugged with a benzo. I was told it was an upper and it was NOT.  I was drinking at this party and ended up so sick and blacked out.  A girl found me distraught and naked looking for toilet paper in the shower.  I was taken good care of that night, for once.  I remember getting a ride home and laying on Chad's lap on the way home and he was very comforting. I still drive by the cemetery and say hey to him and let him know I think about him. The few times we were around each other he respected me, and this was during a time where I had gotten little to no respect. C1 had me to entangled in his web that I would cry at the drop of a hat over him. I was barely able to get  over him after I graduated and he left to go live with his mother in Virginia. That was my first true co-dependent  relationship. 

 

During my healing time I met a new guy, C2 This is when my fate got sealed. I was working at Pace Chiropractic Clinic as a Chiropractic Assistant. That was a really good job for someone who JUST graduated high school. The drug use continued and I ended up leaving my job there but before I left , a co-worker introduced me to Vicodin .  I really did not like it at first because they made me nauseous and itchy. They were not really a big problem -AT FIRST.  

​

Let's re-cap my drug use and elaborate on that. I started using marijuana, and smoking cigarettes when I was around 14. At 15 I had the wreck, ran away, and started my criminal record. During the time I had ran away is when I had my first drink of alcohol. 151 proof, Everclear. I remember D2 encouraging me to drink more. I got so intoxicated that I had to crawl to the bathroom to puke.  That night is when he cheated on me with a girl in the next room. The next morning I woke up to her moaning in the other room and my boyfriend was not in bed with me.  Her boyfriend and I looked at each other in pain and disgust as he ran to the room to stop them.  The damage was done and so was I.

The occurrences of sexual abuse by my "friends"  would go down like this; I would be around someone I THOUGHT was a friend and they would take advantage of me.  This would always happen AFTER I SAID,"NO" multiple times. Now, were there times when I wanted to and said yes?  Of course, however, those times I was a willing participant was with a boyfriend or  someone I was under the impression of we were dating. The drug  use and alcohol  did not help me in avoidance of these situations.  When I was sexually assaulted multiple times by multiple people... it just added to  my low-self esteem , self-worthlessness, pain, and made me want to make that pain STOP.

So, I'd self medicate. I once took 27 Tylenol to try and STOP the pain. God was not done with me yet, and I survived that.  I truly believe this calling on my life is what has kept me alive through all the detrimental circumstances. 

In October 2004, I am in a vulnerable spot when I meet C2. Freshly heartbroken from  unwanted breakup with C1. I meet C2 at a co-worker's house I was staying with. There was a party next door at a former classmates house and several other acquaintances from my High School. I had just graduated high school that summer. I got so drunk I ended up puking, and there He was. Holding my hair for me and rubbing my back. He was 4 years older than me, and I went to school with his little brother. If I had only known what I know now. I did not really foresee a relationship with this guy, nor did I WANT one. Not because he had a disability from a car accident he was involved in. It was just a bad time and I really was not interested what-so-ever! I was still working at the Chiropractic Clinic as I began hanging out with C2 and his little brother. Obviously, I had already had a good start to my drug use. Then came C2 and his Father.  It is as if all my bad choices sent me literally straight into this lions den.  C2's dad we referred to as "MC, C3." During the beginning of our friendship/relationship C3 was working as a maintenance man.  He was doing commercial and residentia HVAC. He made really good money, had a nice home, and kept it clean as most former Military Men do. So, after I started using drugs; alcohol, marijuana, and cocaine with C2 and J3 things really started to change. I wasn't happy at home because my mom was busy with my little brother and work. I had graduated from high school and wanted to be on my own.  I thought I had it ALL figured out , right. 

So, literally after maybe 2 or 3 days binging on an upper, and all the other illicit drugs you can imagine I decided to date C2.  I moved in to his dad's house with him and we fell in love... or so I thought it was love. The marijuana,alcohol, coke, and occasional meth use fueled that emotion. 

Due to his disability, and significant amount of pain from his injuries it was easy to access pain medication. I am not sure exactly when I started taking Vicodin with him. I know we ended up getting his script for it in early 2005. I got a new job at a salon that was right across the highway from where we lived.  I got certified in the "Smart Tan" tanning technician class. Things were going pretty good for me. I enrolled in 2 classes at the local college, and completed them with an A & B.  C2 ended up getting into a Pain Management Dr.  This is when he started getting prescribed methadone tablets.  We ate them by the handfuls.  I was very irritable when I would take them and would nod off frequently. It affected my work ethic and my integrity.  This prescription pain killer addiction was slowly stealing my soul. I couldn't stop at this point or I would go into painful withdrawal. Not only was I using the pain killers, but I started mixing them with a strong muscle relaxant called "soma", and would go into a "somacose" state. It was disgusting . By the end of 2007, the salon I was working at wasn't doing good.  I was laid off because of this economic decline. 2008 came and the economy crashed -and I along with it. I started using meth for a period of time, and more pills. I was jobless and being supported by C2's disability checks and his dad. Because of the stress on C2's dad I believe it caused his alcoholism to increase. What once was a stable, working, and decent man became a heavy unstable mess of a man. It was sad, honestly.  He could be very vile when he was intoxicated and he verbally abused all of the people he came in contact with.  I know he was deployed to Vietnam and had some really bad memories of that. He would get drunk and blast the surround sound through the house. It was HIS house and he could. 2008 was the start of the end.  We were addicted to opiates and in a crappy environment.  We wanted out. We started to go down to south FL and go to these Pain Management Clinics a.k.a "Pill Mills."  C2 and my relationship was co-dependent and fueled by drugs. If I left him I would get sick and would have NO access to the drugs my body needed at this point,  and I really wanted.  We would drive 8-12 hours, sometimes sick, to go get his prescriptions of Roxycontin, Oxycontin, Xanax, and Soma.  We snorted them until our noses were congested and it was miserable when we needed more and it did NOT last long. We would run out of his script and get them from people who had some. It was a vicious cycle everyday. I recall waking up each morning and the chase would begin. Unless we had some then it was just getting high and sleeping. I literally slept , nodded, and drooled my way through 2008-2009. C2 got locked up in 2008 because we needed money for our drugs and he pawned his dads air compressor and his dad pressed charges. I went through my withdrawal at my mom's house and drank a lot to ease the WD pain. 

I thought I might be able to get free of C2, but as soon as he got home I was back in the co-dependent, drug fueled relationship. In 2009 we met a couple who we were using with and they asked if they could "shoot up" in front of us.  I was NOT comfortable with this, but C2 and I said it was cool. Once I saw them do it, I was honestly grossed out by the blood and everything I saw. We ended up going over there to their house later that week. It was May of 2009, I remember it well because it was truly the start of my ROCK BOTTOM.  They pulled out their syringes and started to prepare their hit.  I don't know why, but after I saw how "good" they seemed to feel and how they talked it up I wanted to try it. That day truly was the beginning of the end for me. When people say their life spiraled out of control-MINE TOTALLY spiraled. I started to get seen down south as well as C2. We were prescribed SO many pills it was INSANE. I was only 23, and injecting  up to 6 pills per few hours.  Recently a mutual friend of C2's reached out to me and told me of how I had OD'd several times and was seizing and foaming at the mouth.  I knew I had gotten close to death several times, but hearing that was really eye-opening how CLOSE I truly was. I definitely was the "go hard or go home" type. I have always pushed the envelope with my strong willed attitude. Instead of using it for self-destruction now, I want to use it for self-growth. So, let's see from May 2009-December 2009 was tumultuous to put it lightly.

 

We tried to get help at the MMT program in our town.  It was unsuccessful because truthfully we did not want to stop getting high.  We were comfortable, and had not come really close to hitting our rock bottom. I felt like & I was in prison with my addiction.

In December 2009 I went into the Wal-mart by our house high on Xanax and Roxycontin. I preceded to steal .. CLOCKS. Right? What? I got caught and was charged with petty theft and banned from Wal-Mart forever. C2 had a suspended license for a car accident he caused involving a police officer. He was leaving our neighborhood and he was so messed up on soma and ambien he was actually sleep-driving and T-boned a cop.  I had went to school with this cop.  C2 still owes the cops a police cruiser.  C3 had to get a new truck, thanks to C2.  Absolute craziness. Now, C2's dad had been supporting us during all the time I was out of work .  He would give us his credit card and gave us the pin number.  He would send us to get his alcohol and to pull money out of the bank to pay for food, drugs, and amenities. One night in January 2010, C2 went out to meet up with a friend because we were out of meds.  He, had NO Valid DL at this time, and the cops KNEW us well.  Especially after that car accident.  On this outing he gets pulled over and arrested for driving on a suspended license.  I panicked because I knew I was going to get sick without meds. He called me from jail and said he had a $400.00 cash bond and to get his dad to come bail him out. His dad was highly intoxicated at this time and refused to go with me.  He said to get his dad's CC and go get the money out of the ATM to come get him out.  I did as I was told and went to the bank.  We were over his limit for the day and I was then told by C2 to take it to WAL-MART where I had just been banished from less than a month prior.  Unwillingly I complied. I was scared to go in there and just wanted to get the money and get out.  I had never done the whole "cash back " thing before.  The cashier told me I would have to get an item for each $100.00 I needed and I needed $400.00 for his bond. I grabbed 4 candy bars and got the cash. As I was leaving I am spotted by the SAME Loss Management lady that had me arrested for the petty theft. She thought I was stealing again and sprinted for me as I sprinted for the door. I was  SO CLOSE, then BAM! She had TACKLED ME! Like a freaking football player.  I was on the phone with C2 as this took place, screaming , "She tackled ME!!!"

 

So , again I am arrested for trespassing now.  I get to the jail and I have a $100.00 bond. C2's dad's truck is at the Wal-mart and he is so drunk he has no clue what's going on . The next day,  I get a couple of my friend's to bond me out.  They are up at the jail when I suddenly get NEW CHARGES!? Umm.. No way,  I said "for what?" Credit Card Fraud, and Grand Theft over $300.00- GREAT Felonies. So, now I am definitely going to get sick and there is NO ONE willing to bond me out. My parents never approved of the relationship with C2.  So, I sat from January to the end of April 2010 in SRCJ with a bond, no one will pay. It was $500.00. I was sick going the WD in jail for about 2 weeks. April took forever to get there and  I finally got put on probation for 3 years for my felonies and the misdemeanors. C2 got out and we both wanted to stay clean. That lasted about 5 hours until we got bored. I really wanted  to stay clean and do this right.  My willpower was very low as we had just been clean for 3 months and we got our roxies and got high.  A couple of weeks passed and we needed a bag of syringes. They passed a new law in the State that said no one can purchase syringes without a prescription. Great news, do they want us to spread HCV, & HIV!? So, off to Pensacola we go to try and get them from a Wal-mart who used to sell them . Nope , not without the prescription. C2 suggested we go try and name drop a friend's dad's name who we knew got diabetic supplies. I went with C2 to the local Walgreens. C2 behind me the whole time, he again manipulating me to do something I did NOT want to do. We had a very violent relationship when it came to drugs, if things did not go his or my way we would fight. I recall some very traumatic experiences that make me appreciate my current life.  I got up to the counter and said I was my friend and was picking up my dad's PRESCRIPTION FOR SYRINGES.  The lady gave me this bag and it seemed heavy for just a pack of syringes. Nervous I walked outside and realized upon opening it, it was prefilled pin needles.  He had switched to the pen due to my friends drug use. So, C2 flips out and gets mad at me-as usual. I then take the bag back and  said this wasn't what I needed and felt dumb. Once it was opened and picked up they'd have to refill the prescription.  I should have just thrown it away... but I felt guilty I had just STOLEN someone's prescription MEDICATION.  All we had  wanted and needed was a 10 pack of 21 gauge syringes. I still think it's dumb they made that law .  The CDC should have told them it won't help with the drug problem. Anyways so now I have just violated my 3 year Felony probation just a few weeks of being put on. Judge T.S. was going to love seeing me again.  The new misdemeanor charges were fraud, and swindle to obtain property.

 

Back to jail I went in May 2010, I chose to use the same attorney- Public Defender-as C2, although it was a conflict of interest.  I told her how I was co-dependent on him and had a drug problem.  She IGNORED that as well as the JUDGE. Now, C2's dad had allegedly went to the state attorney once he sobered up and dropped the charges against me.  I was told that the State wanted to go ahead and pursue charges against me for the Grand Theft and CC Fraud.  So, I decided to plead out in July 2010 to the Judge.  My dad had written a letter to the Judge on my behalf.  The Judge either did not read it or did not feel it was good enough to put me in a rehab program.  He revoked my 3 year's of probation and  sentenced me to 13 month's in the Department of Corrections. This was my 1st and only violation of my probation. He also added that I was a "Menace to Society and a Threat to the Community." I did NOT understand why he said that, then I went to Prison and found out why.  It was an Illegal Sentencing since I only had 17 "prison points" and to legally  send someone to State Prison with under 44 prison points he had to deem me the threat to the community and menace to society.  I was shocked, especially when the same Judge sentenced my "co-defendant" C2, to ONE year and a day with his extensive record compared to mine. Now since that time I have completely changed my life. God restored my mind, body, and soul during my time in Ocala.  I have ran into the State Attorney who went against me and THANKED her because I know had I not been sent to Prison, I would have died.  I am also thankful God allowed that to happen to me so I could break free of the co-dependency.  I worked in the Transfer and Reception department and had the most amazing Sergeants.  The experiences I had there are unforgettable, not all of them were bad.  I met a lot of wonderful women.  One of which let ,me read a book  called " A Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson.  It is an AMAZING BOOK, I highly recommend you reading it.  I do believe in the DEVIL however vs. the "ego."  This book truly helped me change my perception and allowed me to grow and see things the way God sees them. That is why I choose to FORGIVE . I freely give forgiveness as I want to receive that same forgiveness. 

 

I will talk more in my blogs about my past, and how it has shaped my present and future.  My addiction has been healed by the blood of Jesus and I truly am FREE. I have learned it is something I have to put into  practice EVERY day and ask GOD for help with.  I am willing to  extend assistance for those who are READY to break the chains of addiction. As I look forward to my graduation from the MMT program,  I am looking into becoming a Substance Abuse Counselor.  I am interested in studying Psychology and Substance Abuse/Addiction.  I am focused on health and fitness as well.  My main goal and purpose is to Share God's LOVE.  I want to help END the JUDGEMENT, STIGMA and HATE associated with drug addictions, and mental illness.  We can't heal as a nation if we don't stop this.  For healing to take place we have to Love one another and support each other in our struggles and celebrate when we reach our goals.  Recovery is not about tomorrow it starts NOW. 

Had God not used my Aunt and Grandmother to remind me of who I was during my sentence, I would  have struggled with trying to figure that out. God has placed all of these  powerful, strong , and beautiful women in my life that have shaped me.  I want to make them proud. Since my release from Prison in March 2011 I have found the man of my dreams. God made me a  Promise when I was in Prison.  He said if I just trusted  and followed His will He would give me THE RIGHT MAN. I had a vision one day while I was imprisoned and I was in a wedding dress and saw my groom in a tuxedo, but could  not yet see his face.  In February of 2012 I was reconnected with my now Husband. We had briefly met previously years earlier. He gave me a Fairytale proposal. He secretly set it all up with a Blue Wahoo's Stadium Coordinator.  I was supposed to meet up with him for  a baseball game with my whole family in attendance. He had an interview come up, he said. I was so furious he wasn't going to make it.  During the 9th inning stretch of the game I was approached by 2 employees asking me if I was in seat "xxx?" I was in seat "xxx." They told me I had won their Fan appreciation prize and was going to receive it on the field.  I was turned around to see my Handsome Prince in a suit and tie with a couple dozen White Roses!! There are pictures under my family section.  We were married April 13 ,2013. I then went on to complete and graduate Magna Cum Laude with my Cosmetology Certificate and have been Licensed since June 2014. We welcomed our precious baby girl in October 2014. 

​

Update August 31, 2018

From the time of me writing out this testimony and creating this website at the beginning of June 2018, God has set me on FIRE!!  I have gone after Him more than ever before. Allowing God to truly cover all my guilt and condemnation I felt for all of my wrong choices, outright sins, and just everything has completely restored my Faith.  I never completely lost my faith, but it definitely was hard to find at times.  I want to release HOPE, Joy, Peace, and LOVE to everyone reading this.  It's closer than you think.  He says to seek Him and you WILL find HIM!  My entire perspective on Him has changed. I no longer see Him as the "   distant" Father I once did.  I see Him Face-to-Face.  God is restoring fractured relationships. Opening doors for my husband in his future career field, and providing Spiritual Leaders for our journey to fulfilling His purpose for us.  A man once Prophesied over my husband and I saying; "You are going to do this TOGETHER!" We were not married or even dating at that particular time. God has kept and will keep EVERY single promise He makes us. This Season is bringing forth a Harvest. I felt God saying that "September will be a month to remember." I wrote it on my calendar almost a month ago.  I can see that unfolding even now the last day of August. God is GOOD, ALL THE TIME!And, ALL THE TIME GOD IS GOOD!!! He will never allow any harm to come to those who believe in Him and TRUST Him. He is a GOOD, GOOD FATHER! He LOVES His children and wants only the very BEST for US. So, seek HIM. 

 

Psalm 37:4 Take delight in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

​

I leave you with these songs for today. There are more songs and resources on my other pages on this website. I encourage you to share it with friends and family. I am here to encourage, uplift, and be edifying. Paul says it best, "I boast of nothing but Christ and the Cross." I wouldn't be where I am or get where I am going without HIM.  I don't own any rights to any of the music on my website. I pray these songs touch you in the innermost part of your soul and you allow His Presence to LOVE on you through them as He does me.