The Unfiltered Christ Follower

Deep in reflection during a battle...

I scribbled down the following in a gratitude journal I had received from a precious sister in Christ for my 34th birthday. It wasn't until my husband and I began preparing for a second episode of our "Living Room Conversations," I came across it and read it aloud to him. It hit me in a way that was unexpected. I pray God reveals His Truth to your heart through my raw honesty in reflection upon my life's struggles I described in the past, face in my present and am continually growing from glory to glory THROUGH HIS POWER not my own. The following are those 6 pages written from the depths of my soul.

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4.13.20 7 year wedding anniversary

As I sit & reflect on my life lived in 34 short years...I pause and take notice of the moments I hold so dear. Before there was all the fear, but maybe it'd been there all along...I just didn't listen to the notes in its sinister song.

My strengths were birthed through vicious fights, but not ever once in my own right...and night after night I can recall every childhood fright as I lay in my bed that would creep up the walls within my sight. I tossed and turned, straining to see if what was haunting me from my sleep was just merely an illusion or my mind playing tricks on me. But what the enemy was meaning for EVIL, God turned it around for good. I learned to rely on my Heavenly Father for PEACE, COMFORT AND LOVE…

Year after year I was fighting this fight. Drowning out the evil that was after my life. Through various coping mechanisms apart from His Love, I fell so deep into THIS WORLD OF NUMBING OUT WITH DRUGS. Heavy heart, void of a soul, my spirit was fading --YET STILL I'D CRY OUT TO ABBA please bring me back HOME!

I wrestled each moment of every single day, no victory did I hold. Bound up in death's chains they convinced me to shoot into my veins their poisonous venom was my ONLY escape….oh how they love this game. Insanity was the guard that had me locked down so tight. FIGHT, FIGHT- OH LORD GOD I DID FIGHT! Screaming from within these barren walls made up of sin that torture and they have you under their spell pretending to hide all the pain deep within. But I'd always hide from God in my shame of my addictive games. Freedom is NEVER FREE, oh no, it will never be. The choice is the COST we pay to overcome or succumb to the father of lies...that become so loud at night when our numbing attempts to drown it all out continue to barrage our minds. Oh what webs do they spin. Another wasted day trapped in the pain, paralyzed by fear we begin those inner vows, "I'll stop this all NOW! THIS is the last day I will live this way, stuck in my past, business throughout the day, ignoring friends and family who need me most...I'll live each day in the moment and be that mom and wife they deserve MOST!"

BUT-- tomorrow's sunrises and against our hearts deepest desires you fail again and fall back into that same sinful response to your circumstances...hiding again and again. WHEN WILL THIS END!? The Scriptures ARE TRUE it has to begin WITH YOU- picking up your cross and walking that long walk. Dying to your SELFISH desires, suffering for a cause. That FLESH overriding your own strength is striving--you WANT IT DEAD every bit of its sin. You take the easy way out at each temptation to give in, because nothing is possible with just YOURSELF trying to win.

The suffering you FELT on that cross to take this all away-here & now- I lay hold of HIs garment surrender to HIM NOW, you KNOW the way home, not here dead in your sins. Look at HIM on that cross.. TIME is RUNNING OUT, and the deceptions abound.. It is written even the elect will fall deep in this sea of deceit -oh but you’re convinced NO, not you, because you have a clue, always beating yourself to show you what’s up. Self-hatred and self-destruction are just clever covers of PRIDE. So lost, lost in your pain, anger and shame. These endless mistakes falling from grace looking back at your reflection in the mirror of disgust… but it’s only a reflection of LACK burned deep in the lies, oh God, how will I ever find my way back THIS TIME?

I sit and dig at the wounds, rooted deeply from the womb born into a life of sin from conception it begins… it had its way in , trained up in its ways my perspective engraved within my precious brain. Jesus has and was and always WILL BE THE WAY, THE TRUTH, && THE LIFE! I’d always been TOLD, but RARELY was it shown. The true exemplification of a surrendered life, dying to their flesh was foreign at best seeped in a religious vest. …. OH LORD how I KNOW I found YOU ON MY OWN … and I PRAISE you for the pain, the only way that led me to you was the scars and your story you’ve used. I’ve tasted and seen your goodness in the land of the living… YOU ARE GOOD. I shout it FROM THE ROOFTOPS, may every breath I have left reflect your LOVE, TRUTH, and GRACE. Then I turn a page and again screaming into my face is the torturous lies always seeking to devour every GOOD seed you’ve implanted into me. It starts ONE day , appeasing these self-centered thoughts. “I need a break from all this Bible Studying, serving others and such.” Just one look away, a gaze at a page instills envy or rage. Fixating on negativity instead of your WORD that’s PURE.

Selfish desires, serving others from an empty cup … listening to the lies that say I’ll never be ENOUGH.. Trapped and suffocating-drowning in responsibilities so weighing. The mom-guilt from constant failures playing like ground-hogs day … such a precious gift you’ve given me and yet I have no clue how to navigate in the way I feel you have called me to. HELP ME FATHER, I cannot do THIS without YOU! I trust in your GRACE, I know your MERCIES are NEW every day but why oh why can’t I just PERFECT myself in your ways? APART FROM YOU I HAVE NO GOOD THING… the simplicity of the gospel is overriding constantly by the world’s perspectives, expectations of who I should be, could be, WOULD have been had I done everything a different way…. The insanity keeps me awake so late I pray, and pray but until I surrender it all it won’t ever stop. “PEACE BE STILL… KNOW I AM GOD.. REST” … I hear you Father God, and there’s nothing hidden from your sight. I’m lifting my head up, I know where my help comes from… GIVE ME STRENGTH, COURAGE and WISDOM to LET GO of my own control that spirals me OUT of control.. TEACH me by the POWER of YOUR HOLY SPIRIT to receive YOUR LOVE.. WHERE I’M AT… IN the messiness of life. ONE DAY AT A TIME. AMEN.

FEAR IS ALWAYS USED AS A DISTRACTION, to inflict destruction to YOUR purpose filled life in CHRIST JESUS. OUR FAITH must OVERRIDE the ILLUSIONS of FEAR. John 10:10 RECEIVE LIFE…

-Jordan Campbell personal testimony page